Living With Open Eyes: How to Avoid Becoming "The Other Woman"

A while back I came across a letter in an on-line forum written by a distressed Christian newlywed. She was undergoing very serious sexual temptation and her level of honesty was almost stunning. I had been preparing materials for a lesson on that subject, so decided to enter the fray and write to her. The letter below is what I wrote in response. A few details of my response have been altered to mask details of the exact case.

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Hi!

Recently I stumbled across your very candid letter, which is now several months old. Although I don't think your struggle is particularly unusual, I believe your honesty about it is unusual. Thank you for your transparency.

What struck me most about your letter was the obvious helplessness your felt in the face of your unsolicited and unwanted temptation. I can appreciate that! If I can be so bold as to say this, I believe the problem at the root of this issue is that you don't know of any "gate" to put at the forefront of your mind to protect yourself. And without a "gate," even if you muddle your way through this particular temptation without physically falling, the temptation and subsequent yielding to mental adultery will strike over and over again. (By the way, temptation itself is not sin. It is the giving in to the mental delight that make it sin. That yielding is a deliberate, willful rebellion against God.)

I believe that you are suffering from the effects of two different, undiagnosed sins and together they are putting you into deep danger of becoming "the other woman" - potentially destroying two homes and a church. Ephesians 5:33 says, "Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." It seems apparent you are granting to your pastor the type of respect that belongs to your husband. The "crush" you have on him, in combination of the obvious delight you have in your shared ministry passion, indicates something is out of kilter. If your husband struggled with inappropriately loving another woman because they shared a similar ministry passion and was fantasizing about sex with her, you would want him to figure out what he could do to protect the gate of his mind. After all, by allowing sinful thoughts to run wild, he would be "defrauding" you of the unconditional love, if not sex, rightfully yours (1 Cor. 7:5 KJV). The opposite side of that coin is that you, the wife, must not "defraud" your husband by giving the unconditional respect due him to another man - no matter how respectable the man may seem. Your husband does not need to be "worthy" (who could be!) of the unconditional respect any more than you need to be worthy of the unconditional love he is commanded to give you. Both a man's love for his wife and a woman's respect for her husband are given "as to the Lord." In other words, by obeying God's Word both husband and wife are affirming that God is worthy.

Secondly, you say it is about sex and you have no desire to run off with your pastor. The fact that you mentioned that he, when push came to shove would not reject you, shows that this has become a matter of conquest for you. You apparently want to prove to yourself that you can capture or seduce, through your various charms, a man who is a respected in leadership—in a "powerful position." Your issue isn't sex—fulfilled in marriage or not; your issue is pride. You don't love him; you want to use him. Your pastor's fall would be a feather in your cap, so to speak. And sadly, unless you repent of this pride, it will entangle you not only sexually but in other areas of vulnerability. When pride is fed it doesn't sit down in satisfaction - it stands up and screams for more satisfaction. I realize this is probably a very embarrassing paragraph to even read! However, if you see some truth in what I have said and begin to see your pride as the enemy to your peace and joy that it really is, your repentance can be the beginning of a journey into Christlike humility that is better and more rewarding than any conquest - sexual or otherwise.

God's goal for you and each of us is that we would grow to be more and more like Jesus Christ (Romans 8:28-29). He uses the "stuff" of our daily life as the building materials for that project. God will not force you to behave. You can choose disrespect and pride. However, if you will allow it, through the intense battle with the temptation to squander the respect due your husband on another man and to give into the lust generated by your pride, you can grow in strength both in your marriage and in your personal walk with God.

You are a newlywed and I imagine you assumed if you were married that your marriage, sex, and the excitement of it all would be enough to satiate you. You probably didn't expect to experience this type of temptation. The truth is that no human being can satiate another. No one is "enough"—no matter how amazing. We as humans can only be satiated with God Himself.

Hebrews 11:6 says, "But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him." If you wish to become a true woman of faith and one who walks in victory, you must not only believe God exists, but that He rewards those who seek Him. If you put yourself under your husband's authority "as to the Lord" (Eph. 5:22) and seek to walk humbly before God in all that this implies in daily life, you will find yourself growing more and more in your Christlikeness. Instead of being titillated at the thought of a sexual conquest, you heart will instead be melted by the overwhelming reality of God's love and His ever-apparent work in your life. That is the ultimate reward—God Himself.

I recommend two very helpful books. One is Martha Peace's "The Excellent Wife" and the other, "Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires The Respect He Desperately Needs" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. Both of these books are extremely practical and can give you some tools to help you, with God's help, strengthen your marriage.

I hope this has been helpful. May God bless you and give you the courage you need to choose Him!